How One Stupid Pull-Up Has Taught Me About Failure

In September, 2013, I started working out with a trainer. I was about to retire from roller derby and I knew I wanted to start weight lifting. Playing derby made me feel like a bad ass and helped me get more fit, but not as fit as I wanted to be.

The first time we met, she asked me about my goals. Since I knew literally nothing about what I was getting into, I said that I didn’t know. She said that one of her goals was to do a pull-up. I thought that sounded like a good goal. I was turning 40 a year and a half later. So I said,

I want to do a pull up by the time I’m 40.

At our first session, she had me get on the assisted pull up machine. She set it at the highest amount of assistance and asked me to do 10.

I did 6. And I struggled to get those 6.

I thought 18 months was a logical amount of time to meet a muscle building goal. I did some research. I worked out, I lifted weights, I practiced pull ups.

I mentioned this goal on the internet. Someone I know said not to get my hopes up- that her trainer couldn’t even do a pull up. She probably doesn’t remember saying this. But I remember it. And I remember thinking it was really f-ing rude.

And while, according to the assisted pull up machine, I was making progress, I was not doing a pull up on my own.

In 2015, my 40th birthday came and went. I did not do a pull up.

In 2015, September came and went. Still didn’t do one.

In 2016, for the 3rd year in a row, I put on my list of goals that I would do a pull up by the end of the year. On that list of goals in 2015, it was the only goal I did not attain.

In setting my goals for 2016, I set some really big fitness related goals. In March, I had a realization. It was the only 2015 goal I did not attain. Looking at my 2016 goals, there are some there that it is distinctly possible that I will not attain. I’m aiming for a 37.5% increase in my deadlift.  A 38% increase in my squat. An 80% increase in kipping pull ups I can string together- yes, I want to go from 1 to 5.

And a 100% increase in strict pull ups. From zero to 1. Again.

In 2015, I was setting goals with 15-20% increases. And I attained those goals in March and April.

In response, I set crazy aggressive goals this year. In my head, as I was picking numbers, I was thinking that I didn’t want to accomplishing anything on my list until June.

I started wondering if I was one of those people who would never ever get a pull-up. Maybe that person who told me not to get my hopes up was right.

I realized- just in March- that I had completely sabotaged myself when it came to attaining the pull-up goal. I jumped from training plan to training plan, never really committing to a consistent plan. Mainly because I didn’t see progress.

And just like all fitness advice, everyone has a different opinion. Don’t use bands, use bands. Don’t do negatives, do negatives. Don’t do kipping, do kipping.

I decided to do a plan in addition to any pull-up work that was programmed at CrossFit. I found a plan that I really liked- and mainly, that I thought was aggressive but do-able. If you want to see it, you can find it here.

I also started nutritional coaching for fat loss with Stephanie at Strong Figure because in order to lift my body up, it would help if it were a little lighter in the process.

After 6 weeks, I decided to change pull-up plans. That’s not really skipping from plan to plan, that’s deciding that this might be working, but it might not, and I can always come back to it. So I started doing a 21 day plan by Sean Flanagan and Rolando Real (find them on facebook, they’re pretty cool.)  Skipping from plan to plan is doing a new one every 2-3 weeks.

For nearly 3 months I worked on pull ups every single day.

I didn’t try to do one every day. I was tired of failing. But I worked on them.

But May 23, 2016- 2 years and 8 months after I started trying- I got a strict pull up.

I teach economics. We like the graphs.

 

I learned a lot in the process. So much. And you probably know these things, but I’m going to tell you about them anyway. I knew them, but I needed to learn them in practice so that I could know KNOW them.

1. It’s ok to fail. This seems obvious, but I don’t love doing something that I’m constantly failing at accomplishing.
2. It’s stupid hard to do one of something. When you can measure something part way- trying to move from a 10 minute mile to a 9 minute mile, for examples- it’s so much easier. Not that running is easier. But it’s a lot easier to see incremental progress.
3. It’s not a journey if you’re not traveling. Laying down in the road because the roadblock is too big is a stupid way to end the journey. Either chip away at the roadblock, or leave the damn road.
4. Consistency pays off- even if you’re not seeing measurable progress. You will eventually.
5. Successful people seek feedback. Asking my coaches for help has pointed out specific mechanical problems with the way I’m trying to do pull-ups and has moved me toward being more successful with that pull up. And after I announced I had gotten a pull-up on Facebook, one coach was one of the first ones to like it, and another one asked me to show him the next time I saw him in the gym.
6. Surround yourself with people who push you toward your goal. Again, obvious, right? But we need encouragement. If your progress is unnoticeable to those around you because they don’t notice you, it’s hard to keep going. When I was working on these pull-ups, I would go a little before class and stay a little after class to work on them. One coach was always saying, “You’re so close!”  If you’re ever in or near Loveland, CO, come check out F.I.T. Loveland which is full of kick ass people who work there and work out there.

So that’s it. I have one goal (out of 6) accomplished at the end of May. I’m continuing to work on those pull-ups because it would be nice to have a few more before the end of the year, but it’s not my priority.

I’m coming for you, 275 pound deadlift. I really hope to see you in 2016 but it might be 2017.

 

I Don’t Love Me.

Let’s start by saying I was raised in an overly modest environment.
this isn’t personal, mom, it’s just true.

And then I had the awesome (and by awesome, I mean crap) luck to develop boobs at age 10.

Crap luck.

No cleavage, ever. No legs. My school made girls wear skirts until December 1, and we had to start again March 1. Apparently God didn’t care if we wore pants in Michigan in the winter, but himself forbid if we wore them when it was vaguely above 20 degrees. And the skirts had to be knee length. I have short legs, so this wasn’t a problem. #smallblessings

And looking back, I had an unbelievable body. I had a glorious hourglass shape. I was made to wear formal dresses.

But my whole life, I was told to cover it. It was my fault if a male was attracted to me because I tempted him.

Let me repeat that- it was my fault because I tempted him. All the males, ever. Every him.

Before you get pissed, this isn’t a feminist rant about slut shaming or anything else. Keep reading, foo.

When I went to college, I ate crap food and drank beer. This will not surprise any of you who have been to college, because that’s what you do. But the ‘freshman 15’ was actually the freshman 30. Still looked pretty good. And the sophomore 15. Looked slightly less good. And the junior 10. Didn’t look good at all. And then I stayed stable, because I was fucking broke and I’m pretty sure my body had enough.

And suddenly, I wasn’t tempting him any more. Any him. Ever. I had covered up my body with the most indelible suit- the fat suit.

AND IT WAS WONDERFUL. IT WAS LIBERATING. IT WAS AMAZING. If a dude looked at me with lust in his heart, there must have been something wrong with him. It was actually my personality. And it worked. I had boyfriends. I got engaged. I got married. And I was a big girl. And it was great. I ate what I wanted. I didn’t diet, because diets are stupid.

I had to shop at Lane Bryant. This was prior to the current movement where you can get some bigger clothes that look like they belong to someone less than 50 years old. The clothes were not at all cool. In the back of my mind, I wanted to be “regular sized.” But evidently not enough to work at it. Sometimes I would walk. But nah.

I had a baby. Then I had another one. At the same time, I got really good at my job, which takes some hours of commitment, and no time to exercise. Or that’s what I told myself.

And then I weighed 100 pounds more than I did in high school.

I decided I would lose weight. I didn’t tell anyone except my husband. Because I was pretty sure I would fail, and if I failed, everyone would know. I joined Weight Watchers on January 1, 2010. On February 1, one of the teachers at my school said, “Are you losing weight?”

My response, “Maybe a little.” (it was 12 pounds at that point)

I was obsessive. I measured everything. I didn’t touch anything that wasn’t on plan.

I started doing the game “Dance, Dance Revolution” every night for 15 minutes. It was like aerobics, but fun. I got sweaty. I started just marching up and down on an aerobic step. It was the most athletic thing I had done in years.

I turned 35 in March and I was 23 pounds lighter. I was almost less than 200 pounds. A number I had not seen since 2002. My clothes started getting too big. Another teacher told me I needed new pants. I kept going. Weight Watchers helped me reach 50 lbs. lighter by the end of May. I was so hungry. I started running a little. Not much. I wasn’t eating nearly enough to run.

We moved to Virginia. I made a plan to make friends. It turned out that joining the local roller derby team was part of that plan.

I was reminded that sometimes I liked to move my body. I liked team sports. I liked the feeling of accomplishment. And although my weight stayed stable, I busted ass and got stronger. Because you really can’t eat 1200 calories a day and then go to practice and burn about 900 of those calories. Your body will decide that is not happening and you will not perform.

After a few years of derby, though, I was reminded that although I like team sports, I’m also super independent, and I left derby and started lifting weights. Lifting weights is amazing. Want to feel like you can do anything? Do some deadlifts. (watch your form, don’t get hurt.) And then keep doing them so you get better, and you’ll see what’s up. Suddenly, you feel like you can crush the world.

Aside: if you want to get into lifting weights, pick up the book New Rules of Lifting for Women – it’s an awesome starter program.

After a couple of years, I was moving from program to program, because after I finished New Rules, I hadn’t found anything that really moved me. Moved me. See what I did there?

Enter baseball season for the little one, and I met the mom of a kid on the team- she does CrossFit. A mutual friend told her I used to do derby. She told me about CrossFit. I told her I was worried about getting hurt. She reassured me. I told her it was too expensive. She acknowledged that. I gave her excuses. She ignored them.

Baseball season ended. I complained on Facebook how the tiny gym in my apartment complex was not great. She took the opportunity to invite me to a class. So I went. And then I went again. And then I joined. CrossFit Harrisonburg has the greatest group of coaches who truly care about your fitness- they care about your form, your health, and your progress. Because, as one told me, “if you get hurt, you can’t come back, and I want you to keep coming back.”

Here’s the thing I realized about CrossFit- if you’re not elite, and the vast majority of people are not, then you’re only competing with yourself. It’s you vs. you every day of the week. Did you go? You just won. Did you work as hard as you could? You won again. Did you do better than you did last week? You’re still winning. Did you do worse? Ok, fine, try again.

CrossFit has changed my life. Please note: I said the same thing about derby. I might have said it about running, but I doubt it because running sucks.

I mean.

I couldn’t have gotten to CrossFit without derby. I couldn’t have gotten to derby without a tiny bit of running. That’s my journey. You probably have different plans, and that’s cool. Everyone’s journey is different.

CrossFit has brought me to a new place in my life. I am- at the same time- stronger and weaker than I think.

• I am strong- I go to class even when I know that I’ll be the last to finish. I have run some of the fastest times of my life in CF. I am always the last runner in.
• I am weak- I had to give up 30 lbs. on my back squat in favor of improving my form.
• I am strong- I am learning about new lifts that I have never done- and keep working at them.
• I am weak- I am so bad at squat cleans that when I went online to watch videos about form, I saw little kids cleaning more than I can.
• I am strong- I have reached personal records in the bench press and front squat.
• I am weak- I still get so frustrated when I can’t lift as much as I thought I could.
• I am strong- I am really freaking good at rowing.

I have also found a wonderful community of people on the internet. Eat to Perform is a program that encourages you to do exactly what it says. Eat to fuel your performance. I have thought for the past 5 years that food is something you earn. That way lies an eating disorder. Food is necessary for life. Food is fuel. A month starting CrossFit, I spent 2 weeks cutting back on my calories. I thought I was doing great. And then, I had a workout that I struggled through. And I struggled through the next one. And the one after that. And I wanted to give up- to eat whatever I wanted- to binge the shit out of that carton of ice cream. And then I did some research, and found the ETP site. And thought about it. And thought about it more. And eventually, decided to try it out. And found a lot of science-based research on building muscle and physical performance. And I feel great. I’m not hangry. I’m not stuffed. I’m feeding my performance. People who are part of ETP don’t shame you for feeling hungry. They don’t suggest you eat a carrot stick after you did a 30 minute EMOM (every minute on the minute). They don’t promote stupid challenges that say you should do 10 burpees for every Christmas cookie you eat. Because food is fuel, and exercise isn’t punishment.

For the first time IN MY ENTIRE LIFE I am proud of myself. I am growing to accept myself. I am working toward being stronger and more capable. I am not worried- for the first time ever- about getting smaller or taking up less space. I want to grow. I want my thighs to grow so I can squat more. I want my shoulders to grow so I can lift more. I do not want my stomach to grow, but if it doesn’t shrink, I’m kind of ok with that. It is what it is, and I don’t think I can change it outside of an $11,000 operation. I want to be as strong as I can be. I don’t hang out with T and feel embarrassed about my thighs. I don’t see S and worry about covering my arms. They are them. I am me. What they have is nice, but it’s theirs. I can only have what’s mine.

Gifts are nice, but when you earn something, it’s so valuable. My life is a gift, but I’ve earned the abilities of this body. I’ve earned the space I consume. I’ve earned my scars. I’ve earned the ability to appreciate who I am and what I can do with this body, as imperfectly perfect as it is. When so many things in life are outside of our control, being able to look at myself in the mirror and for the first time ever not hate what I see is the most amazing thing that’s happened to me in a long, long time. For the first time I’m not scared of how you see me. Of how anyone sees me. Because I’ve learned that how I see me is what counts.

10 Ways You Can Help Your Community in 10 Minutes or Less for $10 or Less

As long as I can remember having a conscience, I can remember caring about 2 things:

1. Equal rights
2. Education

They’re kind of tied together, you know?

The schools in your community need your help. I would bet that you drive past one on your way to work, shopping, the gym, whatever. Next time you drive by, if you don’t remember the name of that school, take note of it. You’re going to need it for what comes next.

Here are 10 things you can do for that school. That school is one of the building blocks of your community. It’s important. The better the kids do in school, the better your community is. That is a fact, my friends. You can do the following 10 things in 10 minutes or less. 

1. The next time you are in a store, buy a pack of pencils, paper, markers, whatever. The next time you pass that school, drop that thing or things off in the office. You can literally park in front of the school, run in, leave. 2 minutes. Maybe. If it’s a high school, tell them it’s for a government teacher. Or English teacher. Or English as a second language teacher. Or whichever teacher you want. If it’s an elementary school, tell them its for a 3rd grade teacher. Or whichever grade you liked the best. Put a note with it saying it’s from someone that supports their work.

   

   Do you know how much it delights teachers to get new supplies mid year? Kids have killed their back to school supplies and teachers are buying out of their own pockets at this point.

2. In a store again? Pick up a box or two of granola bars. Drop them at the office. Tell them it’s for kids who need them. Trust me, they know who those kids are.
3. Noticing that it’s winter and you have a ton of hats that you have gotten as giveaways? Maybe your friend is learning how to knit and you now have 18 scarves. Pick 2-3 out and take them to the school. Again, tell them it’s for kids who need them.
4. Drop by the school and ask them if they’re having a fundraiser. Buy something.
5. Drop by the school and give the PTA $10. The PTA often buys most of the things that the “extra” classes need- art supplies, gym equipment, music equipment.
6. At a book store? Buy a book. If you had a favorite as a kid, buy that one. Books are timeless. And if the school already has it, a lot of times schools use books as rewards for things like good attendance and good behavior.
7. Find out if your place of employment can donate something. Super relevant if you work at a place that has food on offer because schools often need to lure parents to events with food. Especially low-income parents. Maybe your place of employment keeps tickets to a local sports team – see if you can get a pair to donate to the school for an auction.
8. Check to see if the school has an auction. Donate something.
9. Cut those stupid box tops from things. You don’t have to do anything special with them, just drop them off at the office when you collect some. Every school collects these and they’re worth $0.10 each. 
10. Free, but more time consuming than 10 minutes. Sorry. If you have a schedule that allows it, ask if you can volunteer. Maybe you don’t have to work until 9. Could you help direct traffic in the parking lot once a week? Maybe you get out of work at 2. Direct traffic after school. Maybe your work gives you paid volunteer time off? See if you can do something in the library. Or maybe help in the lunchroom. Maybe working with kids isn’t your jam, and that’s cool, because it totally isn’t for everyone- ask if there’s something you can repair. I promise you, everyone at that school is overworked. If you can give a professional staff member the tiniest break, that’s more time and energy they have for kids.