Stop saying, “I know how you feel.”

When someone shares difficult information with you, there are 2 things you can say that will immediately stab them in the heart:

1. Everything happens for a reason.

2. I know how you feel.

The person who has shared something with you has demonstrated through their words that you are close to them, they respect and feel accepted by you.You have shown them through your words that you don’t actually care. Saying I know how you feel says that their situation is not unique to them and that they should suck it up.

But you’re a decent person and that’s probably not what you meant. You really do care about them. You want them to know that you sympathize with them and their situation.

We live in a culture that glorifies independence and persistence. When someone tells you that they’re struggling with something, they’re telling you that it’s too heavy for them and they need you to share the load. But they’re not saying that specifically, because generally it’s not ok to say that.

The other thing you can’t say… “what can I do to help?” Because can you really do anything that they ask of you? Probably not- you have a job, a family, a life. And when asked in the open ended manner, the person who is already feeling overwhelmed by their situation is not going to say, “oh, sure, can you deal with this problem for me?”  They are probably going to say, “Everything is under control, thanks.”

You really want to help! What can you say?

• Would you like to talk about it?
• Can I take out out to/bring you a coffee?
• Do you need someone to pick up the kids after school on Tuesday?  (or walk the dog/feed the cat)
• I’d like to bring you dinner tomorrow, is (food) ok?

All of these make it easier on you:  you have a specific, time constrained way to help.

More importantly, it makes it easier on the person you want to help. If they’re struggling, the last thing they want to do is think of a way that you can help that’s within your budget and time constraints.

Whatever it is you do to help them, make sure your focus is on them. They’re busy being concerned about the situation, whatever it is, and they’re probably letting their self-care go. Demonstrating that you care for them is a good way to show them that they are valuable.