A Lettter to My Sons

Dear Boys-

When you pouted because I had to go to work the other night, my heart broke a little. It does every time. But I need to share something important with you.

You don’t remember this, but when you were very small, I left for work before you woke up. After you spent the day at school or in daycare, I would pick you up around 5. We would go home and eat dinner, you would get a bath and go to bed. We would spend about two hours a day together. 30 minutes of those two hours were always the best part of my day because it’s the time I get to read to you and rub your back before you sleep.

Four years ago, I started a new job. Now I am either there when you go to school in the morning, or I am there when you get home depending on when I go lift weights. If I am not there, your dad is. I am there when you go to bed 5 nights a week, and those 30 minutes when we read are still the best 30 minutes of my day. Now I spend about 5 hours with you every day. That’s 3 more than we spent together before.

But you still complain when I have to go to work at night. So I want to tell you something.

I have an awesome job. As an online teacher, I’m bringing a class to students that wouldn’t otherwise fit into their day. This requires me to be available two nights a week- and during some weeks, I’m busy for the entire 2 1/2 hours of my nighttime office hours.

I love my job. It’s challenging and interesting and wonderful. I am pretty good at it, if you are to believe my enrollment numbers and the pass rates on the Advanced Placement exam.

As your mom, I’m also being a good role model to you. I am smart and I work hard. Women can do that, you know.

I also go and lift weights 5 days a week. Women can do that, too. That’s also being a good role model to you. Both of you boys are strong. But I can still do more push ups than you. You might be able to do more pull ups, but not for long. I can run further than you can. This might sound silly to you, but it wasn’t long ago that I couldn’t do that. You don’t remember, but I can show you pictures of what that looked like.

Tomorrow night, when you pout about how I’m going to work, remember this. I love you. I’m doing this for you. Because education makes the world a better place. Because I like my job, and I made a commitment to do it at a certain time and honoring commitments is part of being a good member of society. And when I’m not there when you go to school in the morning, consider how much you love to run and play. Lifting weights is playtime for me. I need some time to play, too. It makes me a better mama- and I’ve always wanted to be a better mama.  I am showing you through my actions that women can do anything. It doesn’t seem to matter that this is 2015 and we should all know this. So I’m showing you every day how strong I can be and why working hard – even if you fail –  is important.

Lastly, you are learning independence. It’s hard as a mom to let you do that. Think about your friends with mamas that don’t let them do anything. You need to be able to do things for yourself. It’s an important skill and not everyone has it.

You’re not going to understand this now. But that’s ok. I get to spend more time with you than I used to, and I remember how much harder it used to be. And no matter how much time we spend together, either a lot or a little,
I love you a million,
The Best Mom You Ever Had

Don’t Be An Asshole. Or, Why the Social Contract SHOULD Still Mean Something.

Back in 1762, Jean Jaques Rousseau wrote a book called The Social Contract, or Principles of Political Right (spark notes summary linked for those of us who haven’t read it since college).

Rousseau said some crazy shit (like that there should be a state religion), but the bottom line of the Social Contract is that people give up some of their rights to live in harmony with each other. You know this is true. If you have ever lived in an apartment, you’ve probably given up your right to play your music as loud as you can. Or to have an epic screamer with your significant other- instead you just angrily snapped passive aggressive things at each other. Or is that just me? Nah, I know it’s not.

Generally, you take up one parking spot in a crowded lot. You use a normal speaking voice to have a conversation in a restaurant. You wait in line peacefully.

People who don’t do these things get shamed. Especially in the age of the internet. We post pictures of crap parking jobs.

Note to self: put chalk in car.

We leave people notes. Some people even have them printed up for ease of use.

We write entire article on the Huffington Post about how to wait in line properly.

A famously misattributed quote, “Your right to swing your fist ends just where the other man’s nose begins,” (good luck finding a correct source for this quote) is a really clear illustration of this idea.

You can misbehave ALL YOU WANT until you infringe on someone else’s rights.

Which is where we get to the kid screaming in the restaurant in Maine.

When you go to the restaurant, you’re expected to abide by the social contract. You’re in a relatively small space with other people around you. Behave yourself. If you are the parent of a child, you are required to both behave yourself, and teach them how to behave themselves.

The problem with that is that kids can’t always behave themselves. Maybe they’re tired, or hungry, or overstimulated, or whatever- and they lose their minds. When that happens, parents, BEHAVE YOURSELF. Your child’s right to be in that space has now violated the social contract. They are infringing on the ability of others to have a meal in a relatively normal environment.

So take your kid out. Get your butt outside- get your dining partners to ask for your meal to go.  Many a parent has taken their kid out of a restaurant due to the child’s behavior. I have done this. My husband has done this. Or we have realized – before ordering, but after sitting- that our child (or children) will NOT abide this meal. And we’ve peaced out.

Parents, you also need to understand that not every place in the world is for your child. If you take your kid into a bar and the woman next to you is talking about how her boss is a complete asshat hamster kicker , don’t bitch her out for using inappropriate language. Your kid is in an adult space. This is a good opportunity to teach your kids about adult words. On the other hand, if she’s hanging out at Chuck E. Cheese and loudly talking about how her boss is a fuckwit douchecanoe, go ahead and give her a chat about appropriate language usage.

AT THE SAME TIME, fellow diners who are without children, either for the night or forever- you’re going to have to chill the fuck out. You were once a kid. If you’re at a restaurant that welcomes kids, there’s going to be a certain amount of kid ambient noise. Even at an early morning or late night hour. It happens. If the kid makes some noise, let it fucking go. How do you think they learn appropriate behavior? How did you learn appropriate behavior? Here’s a hint: it wasn’t by being kept in a cage at home and being fed triscuits. If it was, you have some issues so much bigger than this blog post. Why are you still reading this? Go find a therapist.

Once, my family was at a Mexican restaurant with my dad & his wife, my sister, brother-in-law, and their (now oldest) son. My oldest nephew WORSHIPS my youngest son. When they are together, it is awesomeness- giggling, playing, and hilarity. We’re at this restaurant, and my youngest son decides to go to the bathroom. He gets up to go, and oldest nephew- age 3 at the time- shouts out “WAIT WHERE ARE YOU GOING?”

Because, you know, he was concerned that his BFF was leaving and he wanted to know why. My sister immediately shushed him- it wasn’t like this was totally acceptable behavior and she was explaining to him why that was.

Asshole middle-aged dude a few tables over yells out “SHIT!”

Entire restaurant looks at him like what the actual fuck, dude?

My sister, who has ovaries of titanium, stood up and asked the dude what he was thinking. He said, “I thought we were yelling things.” She bitched him out in a way that I still hold in the highest regard. This was also very good thing since if she didn’t, I feel confident we would have had to bail my dad out of jail as he would have bloodied his nose.

Friends, this dude was being an asshole. It’s not like oldest nephew was yelling constantly. His misbehavior- short-lived and relatively unoffensive- was being addressed by his adult-in-charge. And we were in a Mexican restaurant, for the love of all things chips & salsa. They’re not traditionally known for being serious, white linen type joints. And this one followed tradition.

The bottom line is that parents (regardless of the age of the kid) and non-parents- y’all need to behave yourselves. Appropriate behavior is dictated by the situation at hand. Consider the remainder of humanity when you are in public and how your behavior impacts those around you. Treat people the way you want to be treated. Be polite. Follow the rules for courteous behavior.

I can’t even believe I just blogged about this. Behave yourselves, people.